Life is full of decisions. One of the biggest can be whether it’s a good time to start a family.
If you’re considering having a child, either with a partner or on your own, it’s a good idea to take a step back and reflect on how ready you are to be a parent. And if you’re not sure yet, asking yourself the right questions can help you make sure you’re on solid ground to make an informed decision.
The truth is, the answer to parent readiness usually isn’t a definite yes or no. Instead, it’s often more about feeling ready enough to be a parent.
How confident you feel may not be the best way to actually tell if you’re ready to be a mom or dad. Many well-prepared parents still have anxiety about starting a family. On the other hand, some parents who don’t have the resources they’ll need may nonetheless feel confident that “everything will work out.”
The key is to take a clear, honest, step-by-step look at how you feel about being a parent, how parenthood would fit into your life right now, and what resources you can count on. When you take the time to see where you’re at, you can get a better idea of where you want to go.
How to decide: Things to consider before having a baby
Take the time to pull together everything you know about your current circumstances and what you’ll need to be a parent. A good way to do this is to focus on three key areas: your emotional readiness, your financial readiness and your resource readiness.
Bringing a baby into the world takes a big emotional, mental and spiritual investment. To get a good idea of where you’re at right now, consider these questions:
- Why do you want to be a mom or dad? Is having a baby something that you feel you have to do, or is it something you want to do? Do you feel pressured to have one?
- If you’re in a relationship, how do you think having a child will affect the lives of both you and your partner? How much have you talked with each other about starting a family and how both of you feel?
- If you’re not in a relationship, how do you feel about raising a child on your own or with the help of your friends or family? Do you feel confident you can give the time and support your child will need, now and in the future?
- Do you enjoy spending time with children of different ages? How do you see yourself being their parent, through good times and tough times? Which of your childhood experiences would you also want your child to experience?
- What parts of your life will need adjusting? For example, what might need to change about your education, career or personal plans? Are you okay with staying home more and sharing your schedule with your child and their needs?
- How would you feel if your child is sick or has special needs? Would you be prepared for the additional effort and resources needed to raise them?
By being open and honest with your answers, you can give yourself a good idea of where you are emotionally and how ready you feel to be a parent.
Depending on where you live, it can cost anywhere from $200,000 to more than $300,000 to raise a child. Fortunately, that’s spread out over 18 years and not all at once! But it’s an important reminder to take some time to see where you are with money.
First, think about what you’ll need to spend money on when you have a baby and what expenses you’ll have in the years ahead:
- Food and clothes (including diapers)
- Housing (for you and with room for your child as they grow)
- Estimated costs for health care and dental care
- Child care (if you’re still working or when you want to go out)
- Furniture (including car seats as your kids grow)
- Toys and activities
- Life insurance (to provide for your child if something happens to you)
And that’s just the beginning. Take time to think about what you needed growing up. If your friends or family members have their own families, ask what they spend money on (especially what they didn’t plan to). Once you have your list of potential expenses, do a little research to see how much things might cost.
Then, consider what you’re bringing to the table. Do you currently depend on one paycheck or two? Will you still be able to work after you’ve had a baby? Will you be able to live and raise a child on your current income? How stable is your income, and how stable do you expect it to be over time?
When all your numbers are together, compare what you expect your income to be with what you think your expenses will be. If you have more money going out than coming in, ask yourself what you can reasonably do to balance your budget. (Avoid plans that will overextend you and cuts you know will be hard to stick to.) Once you add everything up, you’ll have a better feel of where you’ll be financially.
All new parents can use help from the people around them. From small gestures and gifts of time to schooling and day care, it all makes a big difference.
As part of seeing if you’re ready to be a parent, think of the resources you may have around you that you can rely on, like:
- Your immediate family (including parents, grandparents and siblings)
- Your extended family (including aunts, uncles and cousins)
- Your friends (including those with and without children)
- Your faith community (including parent groups and child camps)
- Your local schools (including afterschool care and activities)
- Your local health care (including doctors, clinics and dentists)
- Local support resources in your community (including day care and recreation organizations)
While making your list, think about what these resources offer and how they can help you now and in the future. Then you can start asking around to see how much support might be available to you. With a little research, you may find that there’s more out there than you may have expected.
Ask questions and talk to people you love and trust
As you ask yourself if you’re ready to have a baby, it’s important to bring people you trust into the conversation. Of course, you know yourself the best, and it’s up to you to make the call on being a parent. But it’s easy to let excitement, like your desire to be a parent, influence your decision making.
That’s why for a big, permanent decision like this, you can’t do too much research or get too much help. Bringing in other trusted perspectives can help you make a choice that’s grounded and realistic. Whether it’s family, friends, a trusted faith leader or anyone else you respect, have others listen to what you’ve discovered through your own exploration and self-reflection. Along with adding their opinions and advice, they may be able to point you to resources and help that you haven’t thought of yet.
What if you decide you’re not ready to be a parent?
After you do the research and reflection, crunch the numbers, and ask around, it’s very possible you’ll realize you’re not ready to be a parent or that it isn’t the right time. And that’s okay! Everyone has their own dreams, goals, lifestyles and relationships, and they don’t always involve starting a family.
If you’re not ready for kids but still want to spend time with children, there are often other great options. Being involved with friends’ or siblings’ children can be fun and rewarding (it’s also a great way to “test drive” parenting and see how you react to challenges). And there are probably plenty of opportunities in your community to mentor kids. For example, consider volunteering for Big Brothers Big Sisters or the Boys & Girls Club of America , coaching in a local youth recreation league, or joining a day care organization in your area.
Finally, if you know you want a baby in the future but aren’t ready now, make a plan with reachable goals, along with steps to help you get there. Then, when you feel you’ve made some progress, check in with yourself again to see if it’s become the right time to start your family.
